Do you have a reason?

All right, I'm going to be honest here. Three months ago I wrote that I was going to be the one person you knew who would set goals for themselves and stick to them this year. Within moments of hitting publish I thought to myself "Yeah right!"

Well, surprise! Even though I have not written anything since then, I have had plenty to write about, just not the time to do it. A lot has happened and now its time to catch up.

January was a rather quiet month for me. My New Years eve started out with quite a surprise and became one of the most memorable in years. It then proceeded to normalize and turned out to be just like any other winter night for me and I'm just fine with that. Disappointed it could not continue but such is life. The rest of the month very little happened in my life that is worth mentioning. Highlight? My mother turned a year older. That's pretty much it.

In February it all began. I had begun to feel the stress of trying to be a father figure to children that did not want me to be. They wanted me to be their friend and nothing more. My girlfriend (now ex) tried to understand and even tried to work on it with them but I just couldn't see the changes. I do know they tried but by then I think so much had happened it just didn't matter to me any longer. I then decided I needed to move on and one week after Valentines day I had.

I packed my bags, grabbed some of my books told my girlfriend I needed this and left on a Thursday morning. For the first time in my life I decided to go with my gut feeling and jump. That same evening my best friend and I met for dinner at one of our favorite watering holes. There on the bulletin board was a flyer for an apartment not more than a block away. I called the number, met with my potential room mate and moved in less than a week later. I couldn't help but think that this was going to work.

Since I have moved in to my new apartment I have started to learn a lot about myself. I can be on my own and live by myself. Loneliness can be dealt with (It's not easy but I am working on that). I can manage my money when I have too, I have a few good friends and two great friends I can not live without. I do not need cable television, I still know how to have fun and be responsible (most of the time). And I can make things go in the direction I want them too. I am no longer afraid of change.

I recently asked my best friend if they were the type of person who needed a push when they were close to a goal but not quite there. I got a resounding no and then felt a little embarrassed that even I asked. I should have known better. I had always thought that I was one of those who needed that push though. But after thinking about it more, I realized that it wasn't a push that I needed, it was a reason. A reason to take the first step in fulfilling my own dreams, a reason to grow.

A reason.

What reason could I possibly have had to leave a comfortable home when I had no solid plan as to where I was going?

I was no longer happy where I was, traveling day to day on cruise control. When I got home I put my nose in a book. I felt alone even though I was surrounded. I wanted more and I was told I was selfish for feeling that way. My reason for moving on was simple. I somehow lost myself and I needed to figure out who I was. I needed to become whole. I felt, until I did there was no way I could feel happy. It was not for anyone but myself. I wasn't being selfish. Staying in the warm "comfortable" situation I was in, that would have been selfish. Moving on was difficult for all involved I know that and I apologize. But in the end it is far better that I did. Misery loves company and eventually those around me would have joined me.

During my pursuit for happiness I have learned whom I can trust and whom I can rely on. From an acquaintance at the local tavern who offered me a room when I had no place to live, to one of my best friends who bought me groceries one night just to help me out, and the coworker who let me borrow some extra cash so I could pay my first months rent. I thank you all. Your good karma will not go unanswered.

Of course this is just a stepping stone for me. I still have more to do in order to be where I want to. I still have a lot to learn about living on my own and I have a long way to go towards repairing my relationship with my teenage daughter. Still more challenges lay ahead but I am ready for them.

I guess if there is any one thing to take away from this post it is this, "Change is not something to fear, and no matter what your reason for it might be, you are not likely being selfish."

Remember to dream big everyone, and more importantly, chase those dreams.