I'm still alive (why I even write)

I know, its been quite a while since I have written anything here. It is not because I have nothing to say or that I do not feel like writing. On the contrary I write nearly every day. It has been a means of escape for me for more than a few years.

I started to keep a journal at the suggestion of the family pastor when I was age fourteen. I found myself visiting him once a week, for the lack of any other means of "therapy" for a young man going through the harrowing trials of adolescence. On the evening before I would meet with the pastor at the church I would spend around thirty minutes or so catching up on the events of the week. I hated doing it. It felt like home work. And not even homework I "had" to do. There were no grades to be had, no benefit I could see from it.

Each week I would write in this notebook he gave me, and I never failed to bring it with me when I would visit with him. After a month of doing this it dawned on me that he never once asked to look at this book. Never even asked me to read from it. He would simply ask if I had done any writing this week or not. Still, I would perform this seemingly pointless exercise for another month before I finally asked him what the reason behind it was. Why was he not interested in what I had to say in my notebook each week? Why bother to ask me to do this? His answer was simple. "What you write in that journal is none of my business unless you choose to share it with me." I must have looked as confused as I had felt right then because he proceeded to explain to me that the writing exercise was simply a means for me to focus on something other than those issues I felt were worth worrying about each day.

Later that evening I had started to read through some of the pages I had filled over the last two months and I began to see a pattern. Nearly everything I wrote was negative. I wrote in this book not to remember the things I felt were wrong in life, but to forget about them and it worked. Suddenly it made a lot of sense.

I only went back to visit the pastor two more times. To this day I can not remember his name or much of anything else about him except the fact that he had a stutter and that he showed me that writing was a great way to escape each day.

Now I write for pleasure, to remember, to understand. To share with anyone willing to read it long after I have gone, since there is only a little I am willing to share at the moment. I write to escape, and to organize my thoughts. Every so often I contradict what I had written previously. I ask myself the same questions I have answered so many times before. And every so often the answers are different. This simply shows that I am growing. Maybe even learning.

 I may not be great at writing, I know my talents can be found in other areas, but I still love to do it and I see no reason to stop. Maybe someday I will even decide to share some of it with the world.

Maybe

Where all my zombies at?

October has to be one of the greatest months in the Gregorian calendar. There is something for everyone, Oktoberfest, the fall foliage, post season MLB, haunted hay rides with warm apple cider and Captian Morgan, and of course plenty of new horror flicks hitting the big screen. Whether your taste is for vampires, serial killers or zombies, Hollywood is ready (and willing) to scare the pants off of us all for a price and this years menu looks like it will have something on it for almost everyone.

But what if it dosen't? I couldn't help but notice a lack of new zombie films in the theatre this season but don't fret, good old television is stepping up and filling in the gap.

On October 31st AMC will broadcast the 90 minute premier of its new 6 part series "Walking Dead" based on the comic book series of the same name by Robert Kirkman as part of its annual Fearfest. It follows the story of police officer Rick Grimes who wakes in the hospital (ala "28 Days") after a near fatal gunshot wound only to find out there has been a zombie apocalypse. After meeting up with a group of survivors he attempts to lead them all to find a safe haven from the zombie threat.

Check out the trailer below.



Thank you AMC for giving us Horror Comic fans something this Halloween.

Memorial day in Lenox

Over the last two weeks or so there have been sculptures popping up all around the main street area here in Lenox MA. It's not exactly anything new when you live in a town as broadly cultured as this one. Lenox often tries to showcase sculptures in the parks and on the lawns of local business each summer. This Memorial weekend Lenox kicks off the summer with its tenth annual Lenox Art Walk.

Artist Andrew DeVries has a total of twenty five bronze sculptures placed along the art walk route. Each of the pieces center around the human form any many of them are of dancers caught in some of the most graceful of poses such as "Pleiades" on the right here.

I enjoyed photographing these sculptures and you can see all of them here. If you want to see these in person they will be on display in Lenox Massachusetts until November of 2010.

Innocence

Do you have a reason?

All right, I'm going to be honest here. Three months ago I wrote that I was going to be the one person you knew who would set goals for themselves and stick to them this year. Within moments of hitting publish I thought to myself "Yeah right!"

Well, surprise! Even though I have not written anything since then, I have had plenty to write about, just not the time to do it. A lot has happened and now its time to catch up.

January was a rather quiet month for me. My New Years eve started out with quite a surprise and became one of the most memorable in years. It then proceeded to normalize and turned out to be just like any other winter night for me and I'm just fine with that. Disappointed it could not continue but such is life. The rest of the month very little happened in my life that is worth mentioning. Highlight? My mother turned a year older. That's pretty much it.

In February it all began. I had begun to feel the stress of trying to be a father figure to children that did not want me to be. They wanted me to be their friend and nothing more. My girlfriend (now ex) tried to understand and even tried to work on it with them but I just couldn't see the changes. I do know they tried but by then I think so much had happened it just didn't matter to me any longer. I then decided I needed to move on and one week after Valentines day I had.

I packed my bags, grabbed some of my books told my girlfriend I needed this and left on a Thursday morning. For the first time in my life I decided to go with my gut feeling and jump. That same evening my best friend and I met for dinner at one of our favorite watering holes. There on the bulletin board was a flyer for an apartment not more than a block away. I called the number, met with my potential room mate and moved in less than a week later. I couldn't help but think that this was going to work.

Since I have moved in to my new apartment I have started to learn a lot about myself. I can be on my own and live by myself. Loneliness can be dealt with (It's not easy but I am working on that). I can manage my money when I have too, I have a few good friends and two great friends I can not live without. I do not need cable television, I still know how to have fun and be responsible (most of the time). And I can make things go in the direction I want them too. I am no longer afraid of change.

I recently asked my best friend if they were the type of person who needed a push when they were close to a goal but not quite there. I got a resounding no and then felt a little embarrassed that even I asked. I should have known better. I had always thought that I was one of those who needed that push though. But after thinking about it more, I realized that it wasn't a push that I needed, it was a reason. A reason to take the first step in fulfilling my own dreams, a reason to grow.

A reason.

What reason could I possibly have had to leave a comfortable home when I had no solid plan as to where I was going?

I was no longer happy where I was, traveling day to day on cruise control. When I got home I put my nose in a book. I felt alone even though I was surrounded. I wanted more and I was told I was selfish for feeling that way. My reason for moving on was simple. I somehow lost myself and I needed to figure out who I was. I needed to become whole. I felt, until I did there was no way I could feel happy. It was not for anyone but myself. I wasn't being selfish. Staying in the warm "comfortable" situation I was in, that would have been selfish. Moving on was difficult for all involved I know that and I apologize. But in the end it is far better that I did. Misery loves company and eventually those around me would have joined me.

During my pursuit for happiness I have learned whom I can trust and whom I can rely on. From an acquaintance at the local tavern who offered me a room when I had no place to live, to one of my best friends who bought me groceries one night just to help me out, and the coworker who let me borrow some extra cash so I could pay my first months rent. I thank you all. Your good karma will not go unanswered.

Of course this is just a stepping stone for me. I still have more to do in order to be where I want to. I still have a lot to learn about living on my own and I have a long way to go towards repairing my relationship with my teenage daughter. Still more challenges lay ahead but I am ready for them.

I guess if there is any one thing to take away from this post it is this, "Change is not something to fear, and no matter what your reason for it might be, you are not likely being selfish."

Remember to dream big everyone, and more importantly, chase those dreams.

This moment counts

As the year comes to a close many people tend to reflect upon the past twelve months of their life and take inventory of accomplishments, failures or changes in general. Most will come up with some new years resolution, some will follow through and others will not.

For me the process of this started early. I woke up one morning about two months ago with the oddest feeling of being lost and very small, insignificant even. Not the typical depression I tend to feel around the holidays but a much calmer, more comfortable loneliness. After a week or two of letting the depression stir, I decided that it was enough. I am through feeling sorry for myself. I have spent the last two years grieving for a failed marriage, the rift this caused between my teenage daughter and I, and a run of bad luck. I needed time to heal, and I took it. It is time to move on.

So now what? What am I to do with this new feeling of self worth? Let it go unanswered and continue on in the same manner as always? Or use the momentum of the moment to "Dream big" and do the things I have always wanted to do but never had the chance?

I say I never had the chance to do any of the big things I have wanted to do. That's not entirely true. The truth is, I have always been this guy who goes with the flow. Seldom taking risks, never making the big decisions for myself, always relying on others to point me in the right direction. Even though this has generally put me in a good place it has never gotten me closer to any of my dreams. It has kept me in a safe place. Leaving me to feel content where I am.

From now on I will be proactive. Not only will I dream big, but I will go after those dreams. I will make the year ahead a good one. And I will do what it takes to make it so.

Holiday traditions

Everyone has traditions, those things they enjoy doing during the holidays. One thing I have always looked forward to in the last weeks leading up to Christmas is movies.

I love relaxing on the couch with the tree lit, egg nog in hand (spiked of course), snuggling up next to someone I care about under a blanket and watching a movie.

Of course for me it seldom works out exactly like that but there has always been some sort of resemblance to it. Here is a list of some of my favorite movies for the season. In no particular order.

• White Christmas
• Miracle on 34th st
• The Bishops Wife
• The Santa Clause
• A Christmas Carol (Albert Finney)
• A Muppet Christmas Carol
• Nightmare Before Christmas
• A Christmas Story
• It's A Wonderful Life

I have left out the television specials because I feel they should have their own list.

This year so far, I have only been able to watch one of these since something always seems to come up. But I still have nearly two weeks. I'll be happy if I get just one more of these in.

Has it really been that long?

For as long as I can remember I have been writing in a journal. In high school it was more likely to be about a dream I had or even lyrics for a song I wanted to write. The dreams were generally rather horrible. Often times dealing with death, rejection or centred around my running from something that I never quite saw. I wrote something everyday. Even if it was just a sentence or two.

Through the years I found myself writing less often, and when I did it was reserved for those times I was angry or hurt. Looking through the posts I had here I realized that nearly every one of them was rather negative, and no one wants to read that. I know I did not.

So here I am. Back after nearly two years. I have deleted many of the posts here and kept only ones that have any type of meaning to me. And I am sure after reading the ones left, I may end up deleting them as well.